Self-Sabotage.

My heart pounds.

Here I am on a Friday night, in a rare setting in which I’ve forced myself to go out and socialize, and it is just reminding me of why I never go out in the first place.

I thank the heavens that I have my journal to talk to because once again, I am without company and have nowhere to look and no one to talk to (except the owner of this restaurant, does he count?).

To be perfectly honest with you, my ears are burning hot, my cheeks are blushing, and the bubbles in my glass are making me anxious.

See, I’m here for the music.

No, hold that: I’m here for the musician.

I am that girl. Ugh is that bad? That I have resorted to going out in public for an opportunity to experience these human emotions? These emotions that I call “having a crush”?

Gosh dangit, I have a crush. And it's childish and I’m such a girl and why on earth would a guy like that who plays so well, who’s contagious to watch because he’s so passionate about playing, who’s so attentive to you when you talk and is seemingly friends with everybody approach a sad spinster who’s sitting by herself in the corner writing in a journal with a glass half full of bubbly and no company?

Except the owner of the restaurant who keeps stopping by. But again, do we think he counts?

That, my friends, is self-sabotage.

And in my case, my self-sabotage is also wrapped up with having low-self esteem, low confidence, procrastinating, and being just plain shy.

I seem to be the queen of it recently.

Instead of embracing the inner bad bit** that I know I am (which is disguised in the form of a sweet sensitive gal with an old-fashioned soul), I settle for talking myself out of potentially great experiences.

Every time I imagine that it’s me he’s looking at (though I am forever reminded of that one time in high school where my crush who sat across from me in math class, whom I thought was always staring at me was in actuality staring at the clock that was literally behind me), I start to creep into self-sabotage mode, having absolute zero faith that he even notices I’m there.

Is it sad that I’m sitting here by myself whilst everyone around me is chatty and gay with one another? Is there a sign behind me that screams “DO NOT APPROACH”?

There I go again, acting against my own self-interest.

I never even knew the word applied to me until I started doing it in front of some close (and very honest) friends of mine. As a result, they called me out on it.

Self-sabotage is what it is: the sabotage of oneself.

Without even realizing that I’ve been subconsciously hurting who I am in an attempt to protect, safeguard, and defend myself from getting hurt, I still wind up getting hurt.

It’s just subtle.

Over time though, all the over-thinking and all the over analyzing takes its toll, leaving me paralyzed with this inability to take action. My self-sabotage is literally prohibiting me from accomplishing what I want because without even realizing it, when I think of myself in this negative light, I’m fighting against the real and true me.

I miss out on opportunities to make memories, to make friends, to meet men, and to potentially experience something that could change my life for the better.

I just feel like at times, I don’t have the courage though, the gusto, and the bravery to fight past this negative Nancy currently residing in my head.

What I know with certainty though, is that this negative Nancy doesn’t dictate our define who I am. All she is is that inner critic that we all have. Only difference is that I’m letting her dictate and define who I am and what I do.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m tired and frustrated at perpetually returning to the same habits that yield the same results of unhappiness and discontent, because that’s all I ever feel when I let my self-sabotage talk me out of something. I’ve begun to notice when these negative thoughts seep into my thought processes and with the help of some honest family and friends, I think I can beat this critical inner voice and finally do what my heart desires.

No, I didn’t get what I initially wanted out of going out ( a fireworks show in which my crush declares his feelings for me), but I did get some insight into how I operate, recognizing when I start to turn into someone I don’t like or respect.

Who knows, maybe the next time I go out, I’ll have the courage to follow the confident and bad bit** that I really am…