Open water.

I thought I was okay.

I mean, I felt okay. I actually felt better than okay, I felt good.

But then I started doubting myself, because that’s what you do when you don’t quite believe you deserve happy endings.

“Are you okay Elan? I mean, are you really okay?”

And then I started to replay the conversation over in my head, instinctively looking for reasons not to be okay. Like, I couldn’t trust these feelings of contentment.

And then I came to the conclusion that I was not, in fact, okay.

Like a plague slowly permeating my subconscious, my brain went into overdrive, overthinking every comment, every word, and of course every potential insinuation in the way it was said.

It was a conversation I’m terrified of having. The conversation that goes on between a boy and a girl who both like each other but are seemingly stuck in the “is this going further?” phase.

Historically, this is where things fall apart for me.

Either I don’t get this far, or when I do get here, my feelings aren’t reciprocated and it’s the last conversation I ever have with him. You can imagine my hesitancy for these chats, and my mentality as I intuitively anticipate the worst.

So, as I go down the rabbit hole of no return, I take everything I just heard and accepted into my heart, and I begin to nitpick it all. Like, I can’t quite believe that the boy likes me back and enjoys where we’re going.

It’s a horrible habit, I know. But a part of me is driven by the past. With the baggage of past heartbreak weighing heavily on my shoulders, I go into survival mode in an attempt to armor my heart and soften the flow of what I expect to come.

In this case though, I’m self-sabotaging. Instead of “protecting” myself, I’m prohibiting myself from potential. Potential for something more with him.

As eager as I am to jump into what I assume I want (a relationship), I’m also equally as nervous and naïve, and part of this insecurity has to do with the fact that I don’t have experience beyond this point.

And so I fall back into my safety net of not believing someone likes me back. Because that feeling.. I know how to navigate. But going forward with a guy that actually reciprocates my feelings? That’s open water and all of a sudden I’m scared to swim.

So I sit here, and choose to perseverate over the situation instead.

But I’m tired of doing so. Not only is it mentally taxing, but I’m placing unfair expectations on him and I will forever be disappointed. I really need to enjoy the process of what we’re doing.

With that, I’m taking a deep (and I mean DEEP) breath and letting these thoughts go. I’m trusting my initial feelings of contentment and I’m going to go with the flow, as it carries me out into that open water…