home.

a song to set the scene // jessica’s theme by bruce rowland

“Are you okay Elan?”

I paused.

Normally, this kind query doesn’t come as a surprise. The amount of times I have been asked this question supersedes them all, but on this particular occasion, I was confused.

“You seem… off. Low. Is everything okay with you?”

“Yeah…” I replied, hesitant. “I think so?”

I checked in with myself: was I okay?

Let’s see: nothing bad had happened recently. Aside from the usual stresses of life, nothing felt out of the ordinary.

In fact, if anything, I felt I was having a rather thoughtful week.

And so, despite the fact that nothing was wrong, and all was okay, I thanked her nonetheless for noticing me and caring.

Because damn it feels good to be noticed.

Curious, I then asked myself: what change had she seen within me?

If nothing was wrong, and all was okay, then why the appearance of seeming different than my usual self?

Thinking back to this thoughtful week I was having, I started to wonder if seeming “off” was simply… change.

For the first time, in a long time, I’ve been feeling present and particularly sensitive to life around me. Attuned to the world, I’ve felt really touched by this majesty we get to call living.

I’ve been feeling the raindrops on my face like I had never felt before.

I can smell the lilacs blooming outside my window with such ferocious intensity and vigor, I’ve been putting a vase of them by my bed, drinking in their scent like liquor.

Instead of taking the burden of others and making it my own, I’ve been turning towards those in pain, offering love and support for them, despite the weight.

And recently, my gem has caught me staring longingly at my cats, as I marvel at how much they make my heart blossom with love and adoration.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’ve been feeling so alive lately.

For the last many years, I’ve not felt this way.

Feeling disjointed, like pieces of a puzzle not fitting together on the table, it’s as if mind, body, and spirit were three separate people living in the same place.

Struggling to love and accept any and all parts of me, I’ve not been myself in so long.

As of late though, I’ve started to embrace her miracles. It’s as if these puzzle pieces now fit together as one, making one magnificent puzzle that’s simply put: me.

All living under the same roof I get to call home.

I think for awhile, I believed that finding myself meant looking out there.

In reality, finding myself meant embracing that everything I ever needed already existed in here, within me.

And for the first time, maybe ever, I’m finally pausing, slowing down, and embracing all of who I am, just as I am.

I was telling my counselor all of this the other day, after he too asked me if I was okay, and he quoted something I find particularly fitting:

We’re all just walking each other home.

And it’s so true.

We’re all on this journey of finding wholeness within ourselves, of embracing who we are at our core and living our lives upon that foundation.

Our voyages may be wrought with delay and alternate routes, but that’s what makes coming home feel so good.

So I thank this girl for noticing me, because it made me notice me, and this beautiful change I’m going through.

So yes, I am okay, thank you for asking.

Why?

Because finally

i

am

home.