zzz.

a song to set the scene // flowers by eva noblezada

What I wanted was to fall asleep.

Close my eyes, and disappear.

Like a petal on a stream, a feather on the air.

The first time I heard these haunting and poignant lyrics, I was struck.

How deeply it resonated.

Flowers is a song from Broadway’s Hadestown and tells the terrible tragedy of Eurydice, who trades her life above to sleep forever.

Her deal with Hades was draped in deceit of course, and made out of naivety and selfishness.

As memories of her life above begin to fade, she realizes her mistake, and by the end of the song, you hear her immense regret.

…Come and find me

lying in the bed I made.

It’s heartbreaking, but also so so real.

I know something about that feeling, wanting to fall asleep.

For as long as I can remember, falling asleep was always something I craved.

I longed for sleep in the car, on the plane, and even during class (which I did by hiding behind a curtain of my hair).

Whenever I could, I snuck a few minutes of rest behind my sunglasses, or in the office between jobs.

When I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep.

When I drove, I wanted to go to sleep.

When I did anything, all I could think of was how much I wanted to sleep.

Even as I write this, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and take a nap.

Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter in what position, I will sleep.

I live to sleep.

Is the medication I’m taking causing excessive daytime drowsiness?

Do I have a disrupted sleep cycle?

Am I addicted to the sensation of rest?

Am I sleeping my life away to avoid daytime responsibility? Am I discontent with the life I live? Bored, restless, or depressed?

Is my “need” for rest an escape from pursuing my dreams? An avoidance strategy?

I have always been known for napping, yet I feel that sleep may sometimes be a safe choice for me to avoid…. well, living.

It’s like I get home, and instead of doing chores, or exercising, or socializing, or even working on my business plan, I get drawn to my bed, choosing instead to sleep.

Hours later, I wake up disjointed, grumpy, and disappointed in myself for wasting my day.

Whether Eurydices struggled with this or not, what I do empathize with is the tragedy of her choice.

Sometimes I feel like I would give anything for a nap. How sweet it would be to lie in bed forever with my two kitties and just dream.

But what I know, and what I’ve learned from this dreadfully heartbreaking song, is that life above is precious, and so worth living for.

Meals cooked with my gem are far more enjoyable when I’m with him, and not lying on the couch in a sleepy stupor.

Mornings spent sipping coffee by the window feel exceptionally richer than 15 more minutes of snooze.

Being awake and alive to witness and experience this brilliant life is so much juicer when my eyes are open, not closed.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and when we’re talking about Hadestown, I mean that literally.

Regret is what I feel most from the song, and I don’t want that to be my life.

….Come and find me

writing in the bed I made.