A Dream.

I had a dream the other night.

Now before your mind starts to wander and think saucy scandalous scenes (cause that’s definitely where my mind would go!), let me stop you.

Whilst the dream did, in fact, have a man in it, the impression it left on me was nothing less than innocent.

(or so I’ll tell you)

*wink wink

No, but seriously.

Lingering on my mind for the rest of the day in the form of rosey red cheeks, I began to think of possible ways as to why it left such an imprint on me.

It wasn’t the subject of my dream, per say, it was the context and how it made me feel during my waking hours.

Basically, in my dream, I wound up at this guy’s house (whom I actually know in real life but don’t know) and stayed the night, in his bed. Thinking he would stay on his side and me on mine, I was surprised that he rolled over and slung his long arms around me, pulling me close. Cuddled tight, all I remember feeling was this blanket of warmth coming from his body heat. I felt security, I felt safe, and when I woke up to the cold reality of having no one by my side (save for my cat, who was making herself quite comfortable on my chest), it made me long for that embrace for the rest of the day.

The harsh truth is that I’ve never really experienced that before with someone. Sure, there’s the few “one night stands” I’ve had (which for me were adult sleepovers but without the adult shenanigans) but when spooning and cuddling did occur, I felt like they weren’t doing it because they cared about me and wanted to hold me tight, but because they thought it’s what girls wanted.

And hell yes that’s what I wanted! And still want.

Obviously. I’m dreaming about it!

Trying to decipher what the meaning of this dream could be, I looked to the online for guidance on possible interpretations.

1.) Dreaming of cuddling could mean I’m thinking about making my relationship perfect, as I fantasize about enjoying this ideal experience (likely not applicable to me considering I’m not in a relationship..)

2.) Perhaps I have a crush on said person (which could be true, but is it because I like like him or because I don’t have anyone else to dream about?)

3.) It could mean I focus on the fantasy instead of the reality (truth)

4.) Likely means I’m desirous for physical contact or strong need to be cuddled by someone and he happened to be the last guy I talked to the day before (TRUTH)

I know deep down that this all ties to loneliness. It always does.

And frankly, I’m lonely.

Maybe it’s this time of year where seemingly every single Christmas song I hear is about being with your lover (and mistletoe and cuddles by the fireplace), maybe it’s that time of month where my body is hinting at me that it’s time to procreate (can I get an amen ladies? And gents, I’m sure y’all feel it too), or maybe my dream is just revealing to me the harsh truth that I am, in fact, lonely, and no amount of ignoring it or wishing it away is going to change the fact.

While I don’t have a cure for loneliness, I know that at this point in my life, I’m at least aware of the difference between need and want out of this lone part of me.

I am not feeling loneliness because I need a man for validation, completion, compliments, and emotional support, I’m feeling loneliness because while I know I’m a boss ass single independent woman, I’m at the stage where I simply want and desire the company of someone else (especially in bed, it seems!).

It’s hard to do it all by myself all the time, and the craving for physical contact is REAL, especially when I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing it with someone who cares about me and me about them.

Though this dream still makes my cheeks fire up like a steam locomotive, I can’t feel bad or embarrassed that the only “action” I’m getting is in my dreams.

Because you know what they say about dreams..

Sometimes, they really do come true.

a simple conversation.

Everything is copy.

Everything. Is. Copy.

This phrase echoes through my brain as I sit here at my computer willing myself to write anything that’s not what my heart is dying to share with you. Hesitating against pressure NOT to tell my story, I follow my gut instinct and decide to share what feels right to me.

To write anything but would be dishonest. It would go against what’s currently pumping it’s way through my veins and making my heart pound and that is not something I can simply ignore.

Screenwriter Nora Ephron’s simple phrase everything is copy is the motto I live by, especially when it comes to my writing. It’s the inspiration behind everything I choose to put onto paper because everything in life is worth writing about and is worth its story being told.

And this story? I feel I need to tell it.

We begin with my discovery that there are not a lot of songs out there that talk about losing friendships.

Sureeeeee there are thousands of songs out there about heartbreak between lovers but I find my library devoid and empty of songs that related to losing friends.

I don’t care to delve into detail about the particular causes of losing this friend (I believe in moving forward and not dwelling in the past) but I did in fact, recently lose one of my friends.

(not lost as in died, but lost as in they decided our friendship could no longer be)

In an unbelievable turn of events, I found myself essentially rejected this week due to a situation that likely could’ve been talked about and resolved,

I always thought dramatic situations like these would’ve gone away after high school (having unfortunately gone through them before), but here I am as a young adult going through it, yet again.

I felt hurt, baffled, shocked, and surprised that such an ordinary misunderstanding caused the demise of an 8-year friendship.

Like all relationships, friendships are complicated. They’re built on the foundation of trust and openness. Were we both at fault in what happened? Absolutely. But instead of talking about this massive miscommunication together in person, I was denied the opportunity to speak face-to-face, ending instead the 21st century way: via text.

What inspired me to open up about this recent heartbreak, aside from following through in the belief that “everything is copy”, is the fact that friendship breakups aren’t really talked about.

Like I said before, there are thousands of songs, books, films, articles, and memes about losing significant others, but not about losing friends. Romantic relationships can’t hog all the spotlight here!

After what happened, and still raw from losing someone that meant so much to me, I looked for words of wisdom and consolation from those who could give me the best advice: the people in my life who had also gone through the same thing.

As it is the season of gratitude and forgiveness (though really it should be practiced all year round), I once again looked for the light in the dark den of disappointment I’ve been currently living in.

Though what happened hurt, I had hoped our friendship could withstand this misunderstanding. But perhaps it wasn’t worth fighting for. Having friends with a long history does not necessarily mean they’re the same as when you first met them. People change, and while some friends grow with you, others grow apart. And that’s okay. In this case, I think we started growing apart. Different careers, different circumstances, and different priorities.

I also learned about myself, which is always good when you go through difficult situations! While I recognize I could use some work on my communication skills, I believe that forgiveness and acceptance are part of the foundation of friendships, and if there’s someone in your life that doesn’t understand and accept your faults, maybe they’re not meant to be in your life, or you in theirs.

At the end of the day, I will always hold a spot for her in my heart. There are years of memories that I can’t ever delete because they remain a part of our history, and you can’t change the past just by deleting photos off Instagram.

But you can decide what direction your life will take, and for me, that’s forward and writing about it allows me to move in that direction.

Sooooo I want to hear from you. Surely someone else has gone through a similar situation? Change and understanding starts with conversation. That’s how we get through these tough breakups.

And who knows, maybe we could finally find some songs written about it..