after a long hike.

a song to set the scene // walk on the wild side by lou reed

There’s no better feeling than sliding into a pair of sandals after a long hike.

Or peeling your dusty wet socks off, revealing the ridiculous tan lines now on your calves.

There’s no better feeling than taking off your sweaty sticky clothes and slipping into something clean after a long hike.

Or taking a wipe and going over your body, removing dirt, twigs, and whatever else you collected in your fingertips on the way down.

There’s no better feeling than sitting, finally, in your car with an ice cold Hydroflask full of water after a long hike.

Or getting a chicken bacon ranch crepe and savoring the carbonation from a refreshing soda.

There’s truly no better feeling though, than climbing Matanuska Peak, the highest mountain in South Central Alaska with an official trail. Boasting near 6000 feet of elevation, this 10 mile out and back hike, labeled as “strenuous” and “difficult” sounded just like the type of hike two gals from the Peninsula wanted to experience.

So, at an early start of 5:30am, me and my friend hit the road and drove to Palmer.

Three and a half hours later, we arrived at the trailhead, an unassuming path that led into a canopy of trees.

After a secure tying of our Salomon sneakers, we clipped the waist straps on our backpacks and set off into the woods.

It was a quiet trail, and one shrouded with fog.

The first group we encountered were a couple of runners. Standing off to the side to allow them to pass, my friend told me that they were the top finishers of Mount Marathon, the famous 4th of July race up Seward’s intimidating peak.

Okay. So that’s the kind of mountain we’re climbing.

The first 4 miles, though filled with generous and lengthly inclines, were the “easiest.”As the fog was thick, we had no idea where we were going, nor what it looked like off in the distance.

We were going in blind.

Keeping pace with my friend as best I could, we chatted when the trail became flat, then fell quiet when things got steep, our heavy breathing being the only sound accompanying us.

At about mile 4, I finally learned why this hike was considered challenging.

The words “strenuous” and “difficult” finally made sense to me.

The last mile, located at 5000+ feet of elevation, kicked my ass.

And that’s putting it lightly.

Hiking parallel to the ground, the last mile was grueling, exhausting, and incredibly demanding on my body.

Steep, lengthly, and full of rocks that required careful footing and a wee bit of climbing, the formidable summit seemed unreachable to me.

It was as if every step, every pant coming out of my mouth, wasn’t bringing me closer.

But I kept on climbing.

One foot in front of the other.

Follow my friend.

Holy shi*.

Look down at where I hiked from.

Holy shi*.

You can do this.

Grab this rock, scramble over that one.

Holy shi*.

One foot in front of the other.

Gah I have to be getting close.

Heavy breathing, grumbling tummy, blisters on my heels, legs are about to give out.

Holy shi*.

One foot in front of the other until finally finally, I reach the very top.

Oh. My. Stars.

What a view.

Standing at what felt like the top of the world, body wracked with fatigue, I looked down at the majesty of what we went through to get here and gave myself a pat on the back.

It was astonishing.

And completely clear and sunny at the top! Not a whisper of wind.

We made it.

Though coming down was by far more arduous than coming up, I pushed through the heat, the altitude, the low blood sugar, the sore pain in my poor knees, and continued to take it one step at a time.

Until finally, we made it safely back to the bottom.

Sure, sliding into my sandals felt like heaven, and sitting in the car with my ice cold Hydroflask felt like a dream come true, but the best feeling was knowing that we made it.

Good company and good scenery truly make for a good time.

You know what they say:

Welcome to Alaska. Now take a hike.

home.

a song to set the scene // jessica’s theme by bruce rowland

“Are you okay Elan?”

I paused.

Normally, this kind query doesn’t come as a surprise. The amount of times I have been asked this question supersedes them all, but on this particular occasion, I was confused.

“You seem… off. Low. Is everything okay with you?”

“Yeah…” I replied, hesitant. “I think so?”

I checked in with myself: was I okay?

Let’s see: nothing bad had happened recently. Aside from the usual stresses of life, nothing felt out of the ordinary.

In fact, if anything, I felt I was having a rather thoughtful week.

And so, despite the fact that nothing was wrong, and all was okay, I thanked her nonetheless for noticing me and caring.

Because damn it feels good to be noticed.

Curious, I then asked myself: what change had she seen within me?

If nothing was wrong, and all was okay, then why the appearance of seeming different than my usual self?

Thinking back to this thoughtful week I was having, I started to wonder if seeming “off” was simply… change.

For the first time, in a long time, I’ve been feeling present and particularly sensitive to life around me. Attuned to the world, I’ve felt really touched by this majesty we get to call living.

I’ve been feeling the raindrops on my face like I had never felt before.

I can smell the lilacs blooming outside my window with such ferocious intensity and vigor, I’ve been putting a vase of them by my bed, drinking in their scent like liquor.

Instead of taking the burden of others and making it my own, I’ve been turning towards those in pain, offering love and support for them, despite the weight.

And recently, my gem has caught me staring longingly at my cats, as I marvel at how much they make my heart blossom with love and adoration.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’ve been feeling so alive lately.

For the last many years, I’ve not felt this way.

Feeling disjointed, like pieces of a puzzle not fitting together on the table, it’s as if mind, body, and spirit were three separate people living in the same place.

Struggling to love and accept any and all parts of me, I’ve not been myself in so long.

As of late though, I’ve started to embrace her miracles. It’s as if these puzzle pieces now fit together as one, making one magnificent puzzle that’s simply put: me.

All living under the same roof I get to call home.

I think for awhile, I believed that finding myself meant looking out there.

In reality, finding myself meant embracing that everything I ever needed already existed in here, within me.

And for the first time, maybe ever, I’m finally pausing, slowing down, and embracing all of who I am, just as I am.

I was telling my counselor all of this the other day, after he too asked me if I was okay, and he quoted something I find particularly fitting:

We’re all just walking each other home.

And it’s so true.

We’re all on this journey of finding wholeness within ourselves, of embracing who we are at our core and living our lives upon that foundation.

Our voyages may be wrought with delay and alternate routes, but that’s what makes coming home feel so good.

So I thank this girl for noticing me, because it made me notice me, and this beautiful change I’m going through.

So yes, I am okay, thank you for asking.

Why?

Because finally

i

am

home.