a book by its cover.

a song to set the scene // musetta’s waltz by giacomo puccini

“You’re not gonna like the first page,” my gem chuckled.

Not going to like the first page, I mumble to myself.

There we were, about to start reading a recommended book.

Retainer was in, pajamas were on, and both of us were engaging in what any sexy young couple does at this time of night: read.

Curious, I opened my copy of Resisting Happiness and started in.

“… The alarm clock goes off. It’s time to get out of bed. This is your first decision of the day. Will you get out of bed or hit the snooze button?”

Duh. I’m hitting the snooze button.

“… You press the snooze button and roll over.”

Like any smart person would do.

“… What just happened? No big deal, right? Wrong. You just lost the first battle of the day. Resistance just kicked your butt. Resistance has broken your will before you’ve even gotten out of bed. You will most likely be its slave for the rest of the day.”

If my prison is cocooning under the covers with my cats, lock me up.

I continue reading.

“… What is resistance? It’s that sluggish feeling of not wanting to do something that you know is good for you, it’s the inclination to do something that you unabashedly know is NOT good for you, and it’s everything in between.”

“Okay, but sleep isn’t bad for you,” I finally say aloud.

He laughs.

“I told you you weren’t going to like the first page.”

Stubborn, I flip the book open again and continue reading.

Can’t judge a book by its Catholic cover.

Pushing through, I proceeded to read the rest of the book. Every night, though temptation pressed me to watch Netflix or doom scroll Instagram instead, I pulled out my bright yellow book and read about …why we sabotage ourselves, feel overwhelmed, set aside our dreams, and lack the courage to simply be ourselves… and how to start choosing happiness again!

To start choosing happiness again.

When I was younger, I used to believe that this was the ultimate goal: to be happy.

Don’t get me wrong- that’s a great aspiration. Being happy is something we should strive for.

But somewhere along this journey in seeking the ultimate happiness, I was sitting with my counselor and something he said changed my perspective.

Instead of searching for ways to make our life happy, should’ve we strive to live a life of meaning?

To live a life of meaning.

And ever since that day, I looked at my life a little differently.

Instead of seeking something as fleeting as happiness, I started looking for meaning in every day moments. This is often inclusive of all the emotions and states of mind, including happiness.

So when I began reading this book about “how to achieve happiness!”, and there was little mentioned about embracing and accepting all of the other feelings that come with living (cause of course we can’t feel happiness without feeling sadness), I was ambivalent towards its intentions.

Needless to say, the book’s content wasn’t for me.

But.

In the spirit of finding meaning, I was still inspired by the book and its theme of resistance.

I was… resistant to admit it at first, but after I started reading, I began to notice ways in which resistance subconsciously held me back from doing what I knew would be good for me.

I would find myself waking up earlier than usual, bright eyed and bushy tailed. Unable to fall back asleep, I would fight with getting up and being productive, used to sleeping in longer. Resistance would tempt me with a few more hours of sleep, and I soon fell under its sweet spell.

I would get home from work, take one look around a house that so desperately needed organizing, and resistance would instead lure me into taking a nap.

(which, again, naps are completely good for you and definitely necessary when one needs to recharge. Only when they’re used as avoidance strategies or as a means to pass the time are they considered… not as good for you )

I was loathe to come to terms with it, but yeah, I am often a slave to resistance.

Of course this epiphany came to me after I took a nap…

But that’s besides the point.

What I’m getting at is that for me, feeling overwhelmed, procrastinating, being my own worst enemy, ignoring my dreams, overthinking my dreams, losing the courage to be myself, feeling like my life lacks meaning and purpose, and avoiding the real issues in my life aren’t what stand between me and happiness. They’re opportunities to look within and find meaning as to why I feel that way and what that could mean.

Resistance doesn’t stand between me and my happiness, it helps me better understand my life and its meaning.

While the book’s subject matter wasn’t necessarily my cup of tea (religious books and the like), it was nonetheless tea.

And tea? I enjoy drinking.

It’s good to read a book outside of one’s comfort zone. It challenges one’s beliefs, offers a glimpse inward, and I find myself learning a bit more about who I am and what matters to me. Reading this book ironically made me realize that my life has value, regardless of whether I’m happy or not.

So next time resistance rears its massive head when you’re low key judging a book by its Catholic cover, I encourage you to continue reading.

You never know what you might learn.

a weight lifted.

a song to set the scene // adieux by m83

It felt like my insides were plummeting to the floor, my stomach ripped from the bottom like a heavy bag of groceries.

I couldn’t believe what I read.

“Are you okay?” those around me asked. Already though, their voices felt distant, like I was falling down a well as they watched in horror from the top.

Panic I hadn’t felt in years flooded to the center of my body.

Feelings, all too reminiscent of trauma choked me as tears made their way out of the corners of my eyes.

I just couldn’t believe it.

I felt sick to my stomach.

Blind-sighted, I felt betrayed, made to feel a fool.

“Damn you! Why do I care so much?” I sobbed onto my gem’s shoulder as he comforted me.

Truly though- why did I care so much?

Lying in bed at 4am, tears streaming down my cheeks as my gem slept soundly beside me, I felt like someone had broken up with me. I felt nauseous with heartache, and foolish for feeling this way.

I thought I was done feeling this way.

I thought those days were behind me, the ones where I questioned, blamed, and doubted myself when others let me down.

In the days that followed though, I started to accept that what I was feeling was completely normal.

It’s normal to have a strong emotional response to someone leaving because for me, that’s a traumatic experience.

It’s normal to question whether I could have done anything differently because that’s how I’ve coped with that kind of loss before.

How I was feeling was normal.

Nothing was wrong with me, nothing was wrong about how I was responding, and once I realized that, I suddenly felt as if a weight had lifted.

If I’ve learned anything from my past, it was that this wasn’t my fault.

This was nothing I did wrong.

I wasn’t a bad person, a bad friend, a bad boss.

At the very core of who I am, I see the best in people. I’m the type of person who goes all in, that’s just who I am.

To live life fully means experiencing all of the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the life and the loss.

It was, if anything, another chapter in my story.

And when one chapter ends?

Another begins.