end of an era.

a song to set the scene // how it was will never be again by syml

She was my first.

They never tell you about the bond you have with your first car, how much it hurts to say goodbye.

Being the emotionally-attached-to-inanimate-objects type, I knew this kind of goodbye would be hard on me.

It was the trailer hitch I ran over that did her in. Having survived nearly running out of gas in the Oregon mountains, the smash ‘n grab in San Francisco, and the many road trips across the USA, the transmission injury was the one that ended her days on the road.

I guess after-market Fiat transmissions cost a lot.

I was devastated, to say the least.

And so, on a windy wintry day, my gem and I braved the gusts and and went to the auto repair shop where she was waiting and cleared her out.

The first thing to catch my eye in the back seat was an appropriate box of tissues. It’s like she knew. As I emptied cup holders and debris hidden under the seats, the tears fell. Memories of our ten year courtship flooded me.

She went everywhere with me: from Alaska, to Washington, California, across to South Dakota. She braved a blizzard in Lusk, Wyoming, was my shelter during many cry sessions on the streets of San Francisco whenever I tried to find a parking spot in Haight Ashbury, and was my comfort during road trips with my siblings. Although I had one ticket to my name when I got pulled over in Topaz, Nevada, Tall 1 remained strong.

She was a part of me and my identity.

That little blue Fiat, roaming the roads of Alaska.

But it was time to say goodbye.

Or, as my sister reminded me, my thank yous.

Sitting in her seats one last time, I took a look at the Barbie style dashboard and thanked her.

I thanked her for keeping me safe, for providing me transportation, for storing my things on my many moves, for being there during cry and jam sessions alike, and for all the memories she gave me.

Though I will no longer have the pleasure of driving her, those memories will stay with me forever, and every time I see another blue Fiat on the road, it’ll make me think of her.

Gone, but never forgotten.

I’ll wheel-y miss you Tall 1.

happy & sad.

a song to set the scene // happy & sad by kacey musgraves

We were driving home and the song he was playing didn’t quite fit.

Looking over at me, he saw tears tickling my cheeks, and a sweet smile on my face.

“How do you feel?” he asked me.

It’s always such a bittersweet feeling, the ending of a production.

We had just completed our run of Boeing Boeing, and I was feeling…

“Happy and sad at the same time.”

Did that make sense?

He nodded his understanding and went to go change the music to a pretty little song by Kasey Musgraves befittingly called: “Happy & Sad.”

“Smiling with tears in my eyes,” the lyrics sang to me as I nodded my head to the beat.

It had been less than a few hours before that we were taking our final bows. Standing on stage as Gabriella, the vivacious Italian flight attendant who gets the man in the end, I looked around at the rest of my cast whom I’d gotten to know so well the past few months and smiled.

It was such a high. The show had been a huge success, and I was sad to see its finale.

Thus is the beauty and tragedy of endings.

You spend hours, days, and months with this tight knit group putting something creative on its feet. You share this experience with an audience, invite them to witness a bachelor in Paris fumbling with his three fiancees showing up at the same time, and then one day, it’s your last time speaking those words you spent so many months memorizing.

It’s special, to be a part of something that grows from a first read-through to a standing ovation.

It makes you feel happy and sad at the same time.

But what goes up must come down, and like the flats getting unscrewed during strike at the end of the show, all things must come to an end.

Only to make way for new beginnings, new shows, with a new cast.

While it will never be the same story, the same set, and the same incredible team that put their heads together to make this show fly, the ending will always make me feel the same:

Happy and sad at the same time.