Tendency.

I have this tendency, which is defined as having an inclination toward a particular characteristic or type of behavior. 

I meet a boy, like a boy, and because I’m a kind person who now has gaga eyes and a fluttering heart, end up stumbling across something that reminds me of the boy, and I buy it for him.

It began years ago when I went on a movie date with this kid who’s now married and has kids. He complimented my glass water bottle I got from Homer, as we sat snuggled up in the theatre, and the next time I visited the seaside town, I bought one to give to him.  

The guy ghosted on me (the first of many) before I had a chance to give it to him and I was left with this water bottle. Which I’m still in possession of, a reminder of my generous (and maybe foolish?) heart. 

I’ve done this many times. There was the boy and the ice tray (still have the ice tray because guess what, he ghosted on me too), the guy and the podcasts (which I downloaded because I wanted to share his interests and have something in common to talk about), and I am now in the throes of making that same gesture again.   

There’s this guy, but instead of a water bottle, ice tray, or podcasts, it’s a book. What I tell myself is that I’m just being thoughtful but deep down, I feel like there’s a grander gesture. There always is. 

I want to impress him. I want him to like me! I want him to respond and pour his heart out to me, and turn around and tell his friends and family that this special girl sent him a book all the way from Alaska.

But I know that I’m projecting what I want onto this guy who will most likely not respond how I imagine him to. I set these high expectations, which inevitably let me down, and overthink myself into oblivion, picturing a future that never plays out like it does in my imaginative mind.

If my past gestures have taught me anything, it’s that buying something that reminds me of them is a move I make to prove myself as someone who cares.

And I think maybe that’s the problem: I care too much. I know it’s not a bad thing, it’s just bad when the people I care for don’t care for me back, abandoning me before I have a chance to gift them with these thoughtful sentiments.

So why do I continue to put myself through the ringer, the emotional descent that leaves me depressed and in possession of yet another object that will forever remind me of them and my silly and premature purchase? 

I guess I’m hoping that one of these days, my gift will eventually reach them and mean something. I can’t stop being kind because I don’t get the reaction I want, I have to be kind out of the goodness of my heart, even when it goes unnoticed, unappreciated, or simply never given a chance.  

I send thoughtful gifts to my friends, so it’s not an abnormal expression to send it to a guy, it just has a more profound meaning because in the past, the guys have dipped on me before I’ve even had the chance to give it to them.

Someday, maybe not tomorrow and certainly not today, I will meet someone whom I won’t feel guilty or embarrassed about giving a thoughtful gift to, because it’ll mean the right thing for him and for me.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to send good out into the world, which in this next case, means a basketball book in the mail.  

If it gets lost in transition, so be it. If he gets it and thinks I’m some crazy girl who’s gotten herself attached, I accept that. I can’t predict how he’ll react, and I certainly can’t control how he ends up responding. But the thing I can control is my intention.

And those are always filled with good, whether he receives it in the mail or not.