One step at a time.

sometimes, i’m the mess.

sometimes, i’m the broom.

on the hardest days,

I have to be both.

-Rudy Franciso

That absolutely sums up how I’ve been living the past few months.

Being a woman with a tender heart and a profoundly deep longing to love who she is, I have grappled with the necessary but oftentimes painful growth during my journey of self-acceptance.

Having recently found out that my over-analyzing, over-thinking, and over-reacting tendencies are all actually byproducts of living with anxiety: well, it hit me kind of hard.

But it also put a face to a name. It opened the door to some honest conversation and I’m learning to understand how I can cope with it and overcome those self-harming proclivities. And that’s progress, regardless of how sore it’s left me at times.

When I found that quote, I felt that it perfectly encapsulated how living with anxiety feels like. How it’s not just about being the mess (cause that’s hard enough), but the strength required to clean up, emotionally, and often as an army of one.

It’s weird, but I almost feel relief at being able to identify what I thought had no name. I mean, for years I truly believed that I was this anomaly that had these disproportionate levels of hormones or something, for how else does one explain my vehement reaction to seemingly inconsequential things?

I’m finding that during this expedition towards embracing my imperfect self, I sometimes forget to mention and celebrate the good that occurs during the days that I think are completely clouded by bad. I have this tendency to wholly focus on the lows, altogether forgetting about the highs.

Don’t get me wrong- my writing comes from a place of vulnerability and the desire to share how I feel (and this girl feeeeeeels). And while I live with anxiety on a day to day basis, sometimes feeling like a fraud in a mask trying to keep it all together on the inside, I’ve experienced many a moment where I feel good. Whole. Complete and calm, like my emotions are balanced and I am left wondering why I let these little nuances ruin what a loving life I have.

So I think it’s important to remember and share all the positivity, since we’re on the subject of balance.

I was recently blessed with a most memorable Monday, where I felt joy, peace, and harmony within me.

I was out hiking with my close friends in the midst of Mother Nature, following the Kenai River and hiking along the ridgeline of the upper canyon. Along the way, we witnessed proud eagles perch, stately sandhill cranes soar over the glacial blue, and the hypnotizing flow of the river as it wound its way through the gorge.

It was gorges.

(I simply had to throw a pun in there to lighten things up a bit)

And I thought to myself, there’s no place in the world I’d rather be.

Yeah… I was feeling pretty damn magical.

That’s honestly how I felt: like magic was happening inside me, because for the last few months I have been riding the struggle bus. Constantly riddled with anxiety and nerves, this break from all the negativity felt like actual magic.

I felt stillness. My heart beat normally, my mind wasn’t wandering, and I was living, breathing, and being in the moment.

And when my mind did try and wander down a wicked path, I focused on the steps I was taking. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Cause that’s what this is all about, taking things one step at a time.