Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Solar Eclipse: occurs when a portion of the Earth is engulfed in a shadow cast by the Moon which fully or partially blocks sunlight.
In this situation, I was Earth and he was the moon. And when he left me, the emotions engulfed me, just like the cast shadow.
It was a total eclipse of the heart.
Or that’s what it felt like because for the first week, I honestly felt like I was flooded with emotion.
All I could think about was him. He woke me up in the morning and I went to bed with him on my mind. As if that weren’t enough, painful reminders of what would never be haunted me throughout the day.
Forced to confront these feelings during quarantine, I really struggled. With no escape, no socializing, and no taste, I felt inundated with thoughts of him. I couldn’t think of a future in which thinking about him wouldn’t hurt me or bring back painful memories.
Music sympathized with me, friends consoled me at 1am when I called them in tears, and my journal was the sound board for all of my feelings.
Some days were good, others not so.
I feel silly sometimes, reacting in the severity in which I do. I fall into relationships deeply, regardless of how long they last or how intimate they are and I feel this insane amount of guilt for attaching to someone so intensely only to have it end in anguish. And I guess it’s my biggest strength, this vulnerability, but it’s also my biggest weakness.
But then slowly, over time, there begot change.
Little things began happening in my life that made me feel things other than heartache and sadness. I sensed happiness, gratitude, and joy.
And it was these little things that began peeling back those shadows, allowing light to illuminate and warm my life.
One day, someone brought me an orchid at work
I miraculously received a check in the mail from Wells Fargo (when does that happen?)
My neighbors snowplowed my driveway not once, but twice, out of the kindness of their heart
A friend gave me a stone with a perfect imprint of a thumb on it for me to use whenever I felt anxious or emotional (which is quite often)
I was asked to write for a magazine (!!!)
I was published for the second time in another magazine (!!!)
I got my taste back (an absolute miracle)
They say time heals pain, and soon enough, my mornings became a little easier. My nights no longer held thoughts of him, I could get through days without shedding a tear, and as I sit here today at my keyboard, I feel peace. I feel acceptance, and dare I mention forgiveness? running through my veins.
I learned a lot this time around, but what I walk away with right now is the value of embracing emotion. Though I feel intensely, deeply, and enormously, I believe in feeling whatever it is you feel, because in my experience, when you numb the painful emotions, you also deprive yourself the opportunity to feel positive emotions.
And look at the positivity that’s been surrounding me all along.
I truly believe it was that mindset that enabled the shadow to pass and for sunlight to appear once again..
