Sit.

a song to set the scene // follow the sun by xavier rudd

What are you doing? my gem asked me over the phone.

Pacing, I answered, pacing.

Why?

I don’t know, maybe because I’m stressed?

(About work, and my family, and my life. Oh, and I’ve got some large unexpected financial burdens and a show to put on in less than a week. Time for myself? Ha. I wish)

Brusquely hanging up with him, I found that my pacing had taken me to my computer, where my pink velvet chair beckoned out to me: sit.

Like a beacon in the night, I felt obliged to follow its command.

So I sat.

And here we are.

Fingers poised over the keyboard, lashes crusted with the still wet mascara I had cried off earlier in exhausted frustration, I sat in front of my computer and instantly felt better.

*sigh

Where does one start?

I’ll be honest: the last few weeks have been difficult for me.

See, last year, during this time, I was green in my relationship with my gem.

We had just started dating, and afternoons were filled with picnic lunches , and gourmet sandwiches on the riverbank. There was a hint of new beginnings in the air, and I felt as if time had slowed for us. Our relationship was blossoming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking.

This year though… feels like the complete opposite.

As summer fast approaches, I keep getting asked: how are you?

On impulse, I reply with a twinge of nervousness and trepidation: ehhhhh.

Not good. I wanna say back. Not very good.

Don’t get me wrong, me and my gem are are going strong. Like the dandelions making their way out of hibernation, we’ve worked through our fair share of meltdowns and stresses, stronger and better because of it.

And thank goodness for that, because I don’t think I’d be able to make it through without my gem’s support.

But personally? Things have not been very good.

Without going into too much detail, I’ve felt a little lost lately.

Lost and overwhelmed. Tapped out, anxious, at capacity, and beset with worry. Oh yeah, and on the verge of totally and completely losing it.

So as I was pacing, trying to figure out what to tackle first (is it laundry, vacuuming, sorting through an awful departure at work, or practicing my 4 part harmony for my show that opens in less than a week oh my lord my show opens in less than a week), I found myself in front of this chair that enticed me to just sit.

After lighting a candle, pouring myself a glass of water, and nibbling on some desert, I felt that as I started typing, I realized that what I was doing was taking actually taking a break, a much needed pause.

Which reminded me of something my friend had told me earlier in the week:

I know it can be hard, but make sure you make time for yourself.

Honestly, that’s been my last priority.

Which might explain my susceptibility to reacting in the severity in which I’ve been doing lately.

When I’m tired, or stressed, overwhelmed, tapped out, anxious, at capacity, beset with worry: oh yeah, and on the verge of totally and completely losing it, I find that I lose my ability to control how I react. I feel defenseless against these triggers.

Hence the still wet mascara I often manage to cry off.

And so when my pacing led me to this chair, I took it as a sign to pause, to slow down, and to use the space as an opportunity to make time for myself.

As I look outside my window, at the golden hour glow that reminds me so much of sunset dates with my gem, at the green buds on my lilac tree, and the chirping of the birds, I was reminded of all the beauty and goodness out there.

Yes, there may be a lot going on in here, but there’s also so much out there to be grateful for.

Like my gem who just pulled into the driveway.

Heck, even the two cats keeping me company right now are reminding me the importance of pausing.

Or should I say “paw-sing.”