Wild Side.

I got into my friend’s car and immediately started to cry.

Trying to quiet her two babies, she looked at me with a concerned expression and asked, “Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?”

Smiling with tears in my eyes, I told her: “It was perfect.”

And yes, while I was crying big, slobbery, fat, wet tears, I was also feeling absolute jubilation.

You can imagine what that looked like.

See, I had just been picked up from my first ever one night stand.

Ayyyyy get it girl.

I had never done this before, so yeah, it was a big deal for me.

So… why do it now?

We all know I just went through some heartbreak. And while a one night stand afterward is socially considered a “rebound”, that wasn’t my reason for doing it. I wasn’t doing it to fill the space the guy that broke my heart left me with, or to get him “out of my system.”

No.

I did it 100% out the sheer desire to explore.

Explore what?

*wink wink

See, after this most recent breakup, I’ve been spending a lot of time in deep reflection. Trying to pull an Ariana Grande, “thank u, next” and learn from the pain, I discovered that while the relationship was far from perfect, I did grow… sexually.

After years spent feeling nervous, inexperienced, and ashamed of sex, I finally found someone that made me feel comfortable enough to explore that wild side of me, and when things ended with him, I felt motivated and empowered to satiate and explore more of what I liked in the bedroom. The tamed side of me that had been quiet for so many years got a little taste of the pleasure and wanted to show off, in a skimpy black lingerie setup.

So yeah, I found this new guy. A man that I was definitely attracted to. And over the weekend, I finally had the opportunity to see him and let me tell you: my cravings were satiated.

Hence the tears. And the joy.

Problem is, the second I met him, like the moment he walked outside in his socks to greet me, I liked him.

Which of course, is totally not surprising. Like, of course this would happen.

Here I was, having prepped myself for weeks to get down and dirty with some casual sex, and the guy I end up hooking up with was actually a decent human being.

Almost too decent.

Like I said: the evening, in short, was perfect.

Because aside from the fact that he was:

• handsome (with and without clothes)

• funny (with a smile that was hella contagious)

• a gentleman (considerate, courteous, and kind)

• easy to be with (never been so comfortable in a guy’s presence before)

He also made me feel like a goddamn queen.

And that’s what the experience was all about. It was about me feeling good and sexy and being able to comfortably express a part of me that I had just got in touch with (pun intended). Lucky for me, it happened to be with someone who also made me feel good about myself, in and out of the bedroom.

So when I got in the car with tears in my eyes, it wasn’t because I was all of a sudden emotionally attached to him (though I was definitely not expecting to like him so much), but because he treated me right, like I deserved. It was because this one night stand made me feel better than I had ever felt before with someone.

That’s what I’m taking away from this.

This experience showed me proof that there are guys out there, gentleman out there, who know and appreciate how much of a goddess I am, who will go above and beyond to please me and make me feel special and worthy. Sure, it was just one night, but his simple acts of making me breakfast, covering me up with a blanket, taking the cap off a water bottle for me without asking, and making me feel good enough to sing out loud and make goofy faces: those are little things I had never experienced before, and I thank this guy for reminding me that I do deserve better than I’ve experienced in the past.

The evening/night/morning far surpassed my expectations, and I’m glad I encountered him when I did. And I thank him for embracing and exploring the recently awakened sexual side of me.

Because in the end, that’s what this is about: owning my sexuality and taking each and every experience as an opportunity for growth.

And look how far I’ve come.

(pun definitely intended)

*wink wink

Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Solar Eclipse: occurs when a portion of the Earth is engulfed in a shadow cast by the Moon which fully or partially blocks sunlight.

In this situation, I was Earth and he was the moon. And when he left me, the emotions engulfed me, just like the cast shadow.

It was a total eclipse of the heart.

Or that’s what it felt like because for the first week, I honestly felt like I was flooded with emotion.

All I could think about was him. He woke me up in the morning and I went to bed with him on my mind. As if that weren’t enough, painful reminders of what would never be haunted me throughout the day.

Forced to confront these feelings during quarantine, I really struggled. With no escape, no socializing, and no taste, I felt inundated with thoughts of him. I couldn’t think of a future in which thinking about him wouldn’t hurt me or bring back painful memories.

Music sympathized with me, friends consoled me at 1am when I called them in tears, and my journal was the sound board for all of my feelings.

Some days were good, others not so.

I feel silly sometimes, reacting in the severity in which I do. I fall into relationships deeply, regardless of how long they last or how intimate they are and I feel this insane amount of guilt for attaching to someone so intensely only to have it end in anguish. And I guess it’s my biggest strength, this vulnerability, but it’s also my biggest weakness.

But then slowly, over time, there begot change.

Little things began happening in my life that made me feel things other than heartache and sadness. I sensed happiness, gratitude, and joy.

And it was these little things that began peeling back those shadows, allowing light to illuminate and warm my life.

• One day, someone brought me an orchid at work

• I miraculously received a check in the mail from Wells Fargo (when does that happen?)

• My neighbors snowplowed my driveway not once, but twice, out of the kindness of their heart

• A friend gave me a stone with a perfect imprint of a thumb on it for me to use whenever I felt anxious or emotional (which is quite often)

• I was asked to write for a magazine (!!!)

• I was published for the second time in another magazine (!!!)

• I got my taste back (an absolute miracle)

They say time heals pain, and soon enough, my mornings became a little easier. My nights no longer held thoughts of him, I could get through days without shedding a tear, and as I sit here today at my keyboard, I feel peace. I feel acceptance, and dare I mention forgiveness? running through my veins.

I learned a lot this time around, but what I walk away with right now is the value of embracing emotion. Though I feel intensely, deeply, and enormously, I believe in feeling whatever it is you feel, because in my experience, when you numb the painful emotions, you also deprive yourself the opportunity to feel positive emotions.

And look at the positivity that’s been surrounding me all along.

I truly believe it was that mindset that enabled the shadow to pass and for sunlight to appear once again..