Smash.

The party was. a. smash.

We had UNO.

We had punch.

We had cookies, laughter, and fancy cheese to munch.

And then came the actual smash.

It was accidental enough.

There we were, hand washing dishes in the sink. In the midst of handling very old coupe glasses, my gem unexpectedly let slip an old shot glass.

Of course, it shattered.

(lasts 70 years and breaks in my sink)

He looked at me, panic in his eyes.

“Was this vintage?” he asked.

(meaning “was this irreplaceable?”)

I nodded my head.

Uh oh was the look I’d best describe his face.

Normally, I would’ve reacted much different.

But, in the moment, I wasn’t worried.

First of all: it’s a shot glass.

Secondly: though it was vintage, I had purchased it at an antique store and when I bought it, the shot glass was one of three glasses that all came in a set.

Which I knew I could purchase the next day.

Again, I wasn’t worried.

So the next day, my gem and I drove out to said antique store.

Of course, the set had sold.

Irreplaceable shot glass was indeed now irreplaceable.

While my gem frantically searched the internet for a replacement, I started to look around. And as I shopped, I started to add other goodies to my bag.

I found vintage wallpaper, $3 vintage hats, an assortment of antique ornaments to be used for a DIY project, and lastly: an American Girl Doll.

Now, if you don’t know me or my family that well, my mom kind of collects American Girl Dolls.

Rescues them, actually.

Missing limbs, lipstick smeared on faces once loved, and orphan girls without a home, my mom has this passion for salvaging dolls from sad situations.

(which all started when my mom found one in a garage sale and was told the doll would be taken to the dump if not sold by the end of the day)

*gasp!

And I found one, at this antique store while I was supposed to be looking for another shot glass.

I’ll tell ya- I nearly cried when I found her. I knew my mom would be over the moon to add another sister to the growing family of 12.

Sure enough, later that night, my mom met Andy.

(I couldn’t wait until Christmas)

She was ecstatic.

Her reaction was priceless. It was authentic, genuine, and it made my whole day.

Later that night, I looked over and found my gem once again browsing Ebay and Etsy in search of this shot glass. It was here that I shared just how glad I was that he broke it.

Confusion is the look I’d best describe his face.

See, if he hadn’t broken that shot glass, we wouldn’t have gone to Kenai. We wouldn’t have shopped in that antique store, I wouldn’t have found that American Girl Doll, and I would’ve missed out on a moment of joy with my mom.

Looks like broken can actually be a beautiful thing.

One Year Later.

Be still, my beating heart.

Be still, my beating heart.

Of course, as I’m reading this, my heart is anything but still.

There I was, on an ordinary November morning, reading the newspaper. After skipping all the regurgitated headlines about Covid, I wound up at my favorite set of pages: the daily horoscopes.

Now what made this particular horoscope special was this all too familiar phrase:

Be still, my beating heart.

This phrase.. holds a tender place in my heart. And what made it start beating on this ordinary November morning was the fact that one year ago, to this day, I lived by that phrase to get me through a very challenging time.

Rewind to November 2020.

I was in the middle of a breakup.

Technically, at that point in time, he hadn’t done it yet.

But it was coming, that I knew.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t quite ready to tell me this when I realized what was going to happen, so I had to go through the unpleasantness of waiting, worrying, perseverating, and obsessing over what was about to come.

For it was coming.

It was an exceptionally difficult couple of days but this phrase… well, it kept me calm.

Whenever I was overcome with anxiety (which was constant, let me tell you), I repeated this phrase over and over and over again in the hopes that I could soothe this beating heart.

It kept me sane, kept me grounded.

(and then he broke up with me and I had to use it all over again)

Then, one year later, to the exact day, I read this very same phrase in my daily horoscope.

What are the odds?

One year later… look where I am.

One year later and look who I wound up with:

My gem.

And look where we are now.

Happy, healthy (though definitely curvier thanks to all the food he feeds me), grateful, lucky, and appreciative for all the growth I went through before getting to know him.

One year later, and I am with someone who I truly believed I would never be lucky enough to have.

One year later, I am in the best arms (literally, because he’s giving me a back massage right now) of the most caring and generous person.

One year later, and he’s driving with me to Seward to shop for the day despite the -20 degree nip in the air.

One year later, and I’m planning future trips with him because he truly is the easiest person to travel with.

One year later, and I’m helping him decorate his Christmas tree.

One year later, I’m watching him clear snow off my car in his shorts. There are tears in my eyes because he wasn’t told, he didn’t ask, he’s just that damn thoughtful.

One year later, we’re sipping Veuve on the couch watching Ted Lasso just because.

And one year later I am so grateful for all the messy and emotional breakups I went through to find someone as special and accepting as my gem.

That’s one of the beautiful things this last breakup gave me: perspective. Some get lucky, and don’t have to deal with the intricacies of dating: but for me, I discovered that all these bad breakups gave me perspective on what I truly deserve. I learned that all good things truly are worth the wait.

And though it was anxiety inducing at the time, I wouldn’t have traded that experience because I feel that everything happened just as it was supposed to be.

365 days later and I am at peace with what happened a year ago on that November day.

Because look what came out of it.

And now, my heart beats for a different sort of reason.

Especially when I think about those massages..