The cycle.

a song to set the scene // it’s all right by jon batiste

You know what they say: when it rains, it pours.

But, if you live in Alaska, it’s more like: when it’s May, it snows.

And it certainly snowed.

See that’s where it all began, on this snowy day in May.

Our just turning green grass was being pelted with a spring snowstorm.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only thing getting pelted.

Caught in this furious flurry, I found myself in a situation in which I was the target of somewhat unhinged behavior.

Numb to the cold and oblivious to the weather, I stood outside opposite an acquaintance and held my ground as she spat profane language at me like the flakes flurrying past.

I was left shocked and shook.

As if that wasn’t bad enough.

My work load suddenly became larger. On the heels of an already exhausting few weeks, I found myself becoming even more stressed and burnt out. As a result, my defenses broke down and in waltzed sickness.

Fighting fatigue, I chugged ahead nonetheless.

Because that’s what you do.

But then…

I lost my taste.

And then…

I tested positive for Covid.

Of course I tested positive for Covid.

Oh, and did I mention that this all came to a head during the opening week of my show?

Yeah.

All I could think was: when it’s May, it snows. And when it snows, it dumps.

And boy did it dump on me.

Forced to quarantine and battling the worst case of Covid I’ve had so far, I was suddenly obligated to finally pause.

Remember my last post?

Well now I get a whole week to slow down and catch up.

And I had no choice in the matter.

*oh darn

After the initial horror of being out sick during the opening week of my show, I finally just accepted the opportunity and embraced the time off wholly.

I slept in.

I cleaned my house.

I binged way too many true crime murder documentaries.

I mowed my lawn for the first time this year and I didn’t have to work a single day (praise hallelujah).

And the world just kept on spinning.

As it does.

After fully recovering from the ‘rona (though, does one ever fully recover from the ‘rona?), we wound up having a very successful opening weekend.

All that stress for naught.

And all of a sudden, I had unearthed myself from all the snow that had dumped on me.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

All the work stress, the fatigue, the parking lot cuss outs had all but melted away.

Just like that, my bad things come in threes had come to an end and I felt ready to face the next snowstorm, for I knew there would be more.

And then, like a red cherry on top, I got my period.

Let the next “cycle” continue.

Sit.

a song to set the scene // follow the sun by xavier rudd

What are you doing? my gem asked me over the phone.

Pacing, I answered, pacing.

Why?

I don’t know, maybe because I’m stressed?

(About work, and my family, and my life. Oh, and I’ve got some large unexpected financial burdens and a show to put on in less than a week. Time for myself? Ha. I wish)

Brusquely hanging up with him, I found that my pacing had taken me to my computer, where my pink velvet chair beckoned out to me: sit.

Like a beacon in the night, I felt obliged to follow its command.

So I sat.

And here we are.

Fingers poised over the keyboard, lashes crusted with the still wet mascara I had cried off earlier in exhausted frustration, I sat in front of my computer and instantly felt better.

*sigh

Where does one start?

I’ll be honest: the last few weeks have been difficult for me.

See, last year, during this time, I was green in my relationship with my gem.

We had just started dating, and afternoons were filled with picnic lunches , and gourmet sandwiches on the riverbank. There was a hint of new beginnings in the air, and I felt as if time had slowed for us. Our relationship was blossoming. I felt like the world was mine for the taking.

This year though… feels like the complete opposite.

As summer fast approaches, I keep getting asked: how are you?

On impulse, I reply with a twinge of nervousness and trepidation: ehhhhh.

Not good. I wanna say back. Not very good.

Don’t get me wrong, me and my gem are are going strong. Like the dandelions making their way out of hibernation, we’ve worked through our fair share of meltdowns and stresses, stronger and better because of it.

And thank goodness for that, because I don’t think I’d be able to make it through without my gem’s support.

But personally? Things have not been very good.

Without going into too much detail, I’ve felt a little lost lately.

Lost and overwhelmed. Tapped out, anxious, at capacity, and beset with worry. Oh yeah, and on the verge of totally and completely losing it.

So as I was pacing, trying to figure out what to tackle first (is it laundry, vacuuming, sorting through an awful departure at work, or practicing my 4 part harmony for my show that opens in less than a week oh my lord my show opens in less than a week), I found myself in front of this chair that enticed me to just sit.

After lighting a candle, pouring myself a glass of water, and nibbling on some desert, I felt that as I started typing, I realized that what I was doing was taking actually taking a break, a much needed pause.

Which reminded me of something my friend had told me earlier in the week:

I know it can be hard, but make sure you make time for yourself.

Honestly, that’s been my last priority.

Which might explain my susceptibility to reacting in the severity in which I’ve been doing lately.

When I’m tired, or stressed, overwhelmed, tapped out, anxious, at capacity, beset with worry: oh yeah, and on the verge of totally and completely losing it, I find that I lose my ability to control how I react. I feel defenseless against these triggers.

Hence the still wet mascara I often manage to cry off.

And so when my pacing led me to this chair, I took it as a sign to pause, to slow down, and to use the space as an opportunity to make time for myself.

As I look outside my window, at the golden hour glow that reminds me so much of sunset dates with my gem, at the green buds on my lilac tree, and the chirping of the birds, I was reminded of all the beauty and goodness out there.

Yes, there may be a lot going on in here, but there’s also so much out there to be grateful for.

Like my gem who just pulled into the driveway.

Heck, even the two cats keeping me company right now are reminding me the importance of pausing.

Or should I say “paw-sing.”